Fear

Last night, I returned to the den of consumerism (read: shopping mall) in Kahala. I knew that I would end up at the fast food joint for dinner. Premonition? Bad omen? No, that's the only cheap eatery that was open. There were several teenagers loitering in the dining area. As I observed them, I was overpowered by the stark realization that my time has really come and gone. I am an "old fart," just like Alan of Chaos Manor (read: rental housing) fame. I am not young anymore. Yeah, I seem to be repeating myself over and over again, just as a senile old fool would. Well, that's the point. I just cannot seem to accept the fact that I am a senior citizen.

What is most perturbing about my geriatric denial is that I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I am not a young punk. I don't have the luxury of time to repeat adolescent mistakes. Nor do I have time to engage in frivolities. Yet, sometimes I really don't know what to do. I am essentially lost, thereby navigating senior citizenship blindly. I am very afraid, very fearful, of the uncharted territory ahead. Scared "shitless" is more like it.

Unlike Alan, who is hoarding decades of "stuff" (his legacy) to subliminally gain immortality, I have erased my legacy by divesting myself of nearly everything. After all, no legacy is eternal youth. Unfortunately, we are both fools in a fool's paradise. There is no immortality or eternal youth. All that to say ... I want some peace of mind, damn it! I am sick and tired of dealing with immortal morons, especially considering that my time is so limited. Can I get a witness? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaa!

Usual Hawai'i Kai visit, But we knew that already. Moms is doing fine. The weather has been fairly cold, relatively speaking. So, the common cold is still raging and causing me tremendous difficulties. Another mediocre workout at the gym. No surprise. When I returned to Chaos Manor this afternoon, both the landlord and Alan were there. I was expecting a clash between the two, but nothing serious transpired. Alan was obviously behind schedule. So, he won't be moving his "stuff" out until tomorrow afternoon. Alan has secured a room at the hostel in town. That's going to cost him about $1,200 per month plus another $150 per month for vehicle parking. We have tentatively agreed to continue the search for alternative rental housing. Perhaps Alan will take the situation a little more seriously next time.

My situation seems to change by the day. However, after a couple of conversations with the landlord this afternoon, I was able to discover that work on the first-floor common area could commence on Monday. So far, the landlord has been about a week behind schedule for everything. Anyway, to be safe, the landlord suggested that I move to Waimanalo on Sunday afternoon. So, that will be my last day at Chaos Manor. Seems like a lifetime, eh?

So, come Sunday, everything will be up in the air, so to speak. All decisions about the superfluous issues that I have been discussing in the "blog" will be up for final consideration. I can make final decisions and attain closure. There will be new issues, of course. I will deal with them then. As for the "blog," we will have wait and see. I may have to return to a more sporadic schedule of posting.